Five things I want to do in my life

Someone probably built this house by hand. (Skaftafell Park, Iceland)

I used to have a “30 things to do before I’m 30” list. While I didn’t accomplish everything on it, I gave it a try (25/30). I figure I got the big things done: Before 30 I managed to save up some money (which is allowing me to have an extended unemployment as I find something I really want to do, rather than just jumping back into an unfulfilling role), I established a career, I traveled a lot (celebrating the big 3-0 solo in Japan last year), I fell in love with a man with whom I’d like to explore the rest of my life, and I think I have a better grasp on who I am then I ever did in my 20s.

So instead of having a short-term deadline like last time, I’m looking big picture.

251: Domo Arigato

Leaving on a jet plane. (iPhone 4 - Sept. 8)

Tomorrow I leave for Japan. I’m there for 10 days. I’ve never been to Asia before.

I can’t tell if I’m excited or nervous right now, I figure the two are canceling each other out, leaving me in a slightly catatonic state. I also move two days after returning, so there’s no room for relaxation.

I’m sure Japan will be an adventure, and one I’ll remember fondly for years.  I’m sure I’ll feel the ground move, just a little (or maybe a lot). I’m sure I will eat a lot and I won’t exactly know what they are.

I turn 30 in Kyoto.

I didn’t finish everything I said I would by 30, but in many respects, I’m in a great place. I can’t wait to see where I’ll be, or where I’ll be going, at 31.

The photo throwdown with Andrea Woo returns September 20th. But I can assure you, pictures will be taken every day I’m gone.

What’s next?

My life is an exercise in “what’s next?”

I think that’s how most people are, but my decisions are particularly noticeable.  As soon as I get into my new place and settle in, I decide to change my hair colour (significantly).  A week of dealing with my new gingerness, and now I am asking the same question…once again.

30 things before I’m 30

It was recently my 28th birthday.  It has finally hit me that 30 is just around the corner.  While I have no idea where my career is going, I know it is headed in the right direction. But for once I don’t have a plan.  I just want my options to be open.  That’s not to say there aren’t things I am striving for, things I hope to accomplish and things that are so youthful that they should probably be done before I hit the big 3-0.

And that’s why I have a list.  I made the list this weekend.  I’m sure that 30 minutes of thinking of random stuff hasn’t captured the full essence of who I am and what I want, but it is a start.  I have 30 things to do before I’m 30.

(And I reserve the right to add, change, edit them, but if I want to put something on, I have to take something off…)

In alphabetical order:

(Edit: February 2010, starting to cross things off.)

(Edit: I’m now 30. How did I do?)

Bake my mom’s cheese scones
Brew my own beer, cider or wine
Cross an ocean
Develop my own photographs
Display my photos in a public setting
Do something worth recognition at work
Fall in love
Film a short and likely pointless movie
Find the right perfume
Finish writing the book
Get a facial
Get an iPhone
Go Hang-gliding (crossed out because I bought tickets to go and then someone died doing it at the same place)
Go canoeing or kayaking
Go for Dim Sum, again.
Host a theme party
Keep a plant alive for two years
Keep my weight under 160lbs, but enjoy eating junk food if I feel like it
Learn to play squash
Nap on a beach outside of Canada
Own a Betsey Johnson dress
Plan an awesome 30th birthday party
Read 10 books
Ride a crazy roller coaster
Save $5000
See someone compete in the Olympics
Spend a night sleeping outside
Start a new blog
Stay in bed all day
Visit my brother’s new house
Write my will

Watching you do it.

Outside of my *really* personal life, which I try not to mention as much on my blog, not a lot is happening with me these days. I feel like instead of pushing my life forward, I’m watching others do it.

Monday morning

As I’ve often mentioned, I don’t work a standard 9-5 Monday through Friday. My work week begins today. I have to be there in about two and a half hours. I considered briefly the idea of going for a run right now, but a sore throat is making itself known.

The best thing about my job is getting to wake up gradually most days. Sure, I work the odd 4am or 730am shift, but the average day there is no horrible noise emanating from my clock-radio.

I don’t know what I’m getting at.

I have blonde hair now.

I’m so excited to move.
I like packing.
I like unpacking.

My need for change is satisfied my hair colour changes, as well as new homes. But it’s probable that two months from now I’ll be back to feeling stuck and in need of another boost to life. What will it mean then? Another new guy? That’s not original considering my recent dating history.

How come I can never settle into my life? I always want more. I want different. I’m jumpy. I’m never quite comfortable.

Despite the economy and the media collapsing upon itself, I do want to see where my career can take me especially out of province. I’ll probably come back to BC afterward, but I don’t know.

I am 27 years old and I really don’t know what I want to be. Where am I going? Am I just pursuing change in order to deal with my lack of goals?

Two steps forward, one step back

It’s 3:30 in the morning.

I’m awake.

The jeans that I cried myself to sleep in have become unbearably uncomfortable, not only because of my belt digging into my mid-section, but primarily due to my heater having decided to kick the bucket. Being cold in jeans sucks.

So I join my computer in the living room where I had abandoned it some 5 hours ago. I walked out on a movie, something I rarely do. It was a good movie. I was enjoying it. But I didn’t want to handle it. My body had a physical reaction. After a weekend where my worst fears came to possibility, and the reminder of mortality ever present, it wouldn’t let me overcome it right now. Instead, I was left to deal with my own internalized pain.

Yesterday was about making my choices and having them become reality. But what happens when the world doesn’t let you make that choice? When it leaves you only to deal with the reality of a situation? Part of “The Summer of Erin” was to realize goals, even at the expense of others. That sounds horrible, self-centered and egotistical, but it’s just about taking care of me first. My parents would argue that I’ve been doing that all along, but I guess that the intentions are different now. And if people don’t like it, I have to be ready for that too.

Just because I’m closer to figuring out what I want and who I am – this idea of “content” that I described yesterday doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time. If I was happy all the time, I wouldn’t be me, I’d be a game show host. But at least I can find solace in taking some steps in the right direction, even if some days, I’m still stepping back. I figure you’re better off going somewhere, than just standing still and watching the world pass you by.

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Song of the moment: Such Great Heights – The Postal Service

EDIT: There was a line in this song, that made me come to a conclusion: Looking at my macroworld, like I did yesterday – in terms of overall direction and situation, it looks good. But my microworld is a struggle. The daily reminders, the little things, are difficult. I’m afraid that the main theme in my microworld, my loneliness will begin to define me rather than be just a descriptor. The intimate, the personal relations, the small scale world I live in, the last year, seems to be defined by one area – the emptiness of my heart.