What’s next?March 28, 2010
I think that’s how most people are, but my decisions are particularly noticeable. As soon as I get into my new place and settle in, I decide to change my hair colour (significantly). A week of dealing with my new gingerness, and now I am asking the same question…once again.
No, I haven’t still decided where I’m going in May. I’m leaning towards flying in to London, spending a couple days there before catching a cheap flight elsewhere in Europe, likely Prague. But with the finances not as good as I had hoped, I’m considering a closer/cheaper trip. So I’m looking at The Maritimes, New Orleans, Mexico and Hawaii. Unfortunately, none of them seem like ideal solo options.
Then there is my career… the new website, the planning, the Olympics… it’s all done. With a new voice managing the forces there are changes en route, but they aren’t my changes to make. I feel fine about my position, but am afraid of all the movement around me. My ridiculous hours are tolerable because I don’t feel alone in doing it. But I fear those closest to me will no longer be the faces I see before the crack of dawn each morning. Maybe it will make it easier to leave altogether?
It has now been five years since Danny left. I’ve mentioned Danny before – maybe not by name but by the fact that he’s my last significant boyfriend. Sure, the last five years hasn’t been a complete drought. I can look back to several boys who have been important to me, but I’ve never been as important to them. Because of my “what’s next” lifestyle, it’s no wonder why I’m so despondent when it comes to “love”. I can’t answer the question. I’ve been looking for the next big thing and failing over and over AND OVER for five years. It’s hard to stay hopeful. In fact, I’m not. I watched “Up in the Air” today and wonder if I should just get married to my job.
Whatever you’re thinking about commenting on the paragraph, don’t bother, I’ve heard it before. Something about finding it when I’m not looking or it’s just not my time yet… I heard it after I had been single for a year, then two years, and nothing has changed half a decade later. But no wonder I’m so hesitant to call Vancouver home. There is something to be said for the comfort a partner can bring. The big arms to hold you… the back rubs… the quick squeeze… just that contact. Vancouver has been five years of relative discomfort.
Am I okay on my own? Of course. I spend tons of time by myself. Like all of today… most of yesterday… probably tomorrow… I just want more out of my life experience, I am not good at accepting mediocrity (unlike the Oilers). I want more comfort. But unlike the changes *I* get to make, I can’t say “what’s next” for my love life. It continues to just be a waiting game.