It’s 6:30am.
December 20, 2009I have no interest in being awake right now. It’s Sunday morning and I wanted nothing more than a nice long sleep to recharge my batteries. I took it easy last night, opting for watching hockey and some episodes of the trashy MTV show, Jersey Shore, over anything in a social capacity. I was in bed by 11:30, hoping that even if I woke up early, I would still get a decent sleep.
Sleep fail.
My mind never settled and I never fell into a deep sleep. Instead I tossed, turned and worried my way through the night – thinking of things I have no control over – the stress in my life.
In addition to the standard holiday stress, work has found new ways to get to me, even when I’m not on the job. And while I hoped the launch of a new website would be the end of it all, I feel like the success of the project has catapulted me into more roles, more responsibility – but neither the time nor the pay to make it feel worthwhile.
I can feel the tension in my back. I’m so seized up, it is uncomfortable to lay. I want nothing more than someone to work those knots out, but knowing the cost of a massage therapist is prohibitive, I wish I could just take a bath. (Once again, a big reason why I want to move in the new year.)
So, instead, I lay here awake. I am afraid this is how I will feel until March 1st once the Olympics come and go. And then, what next? Since September, my job has been constantly evolving, picking up more responsibilities along the way. Despite lots of vacation time over those few months, I was always returning home to work that needed to be done and the fear stayed with me. That fear that I couldn’t really get away.
I only have myself to blame for this. Sure, some things got dumped on me, but I could have delegated. I need to trust the staff around me to get things done.
Christmas at my parents’ place is just a few days away. While I’m there, I can have the bath that has eluded me, turn off the blackberry as it doesn’t get reception there and I can sit and watch TV for two days straight.
I have come to believe that the experiences we have, we largely create between our ears, and the circumstances are just descriptors for what is going on. Sometimes it feels like we don’t have as much choice when it comes to the events, but we are fully in charge and in control of what we do, think and feel about what’s going on. The cup can be half full or half empty — but either way there is wet liquid hanging out at the half way mark.
I was going to agree with this comment until I realized it all just babble with no actual resolution.
I’ll be the first to admit things are better than half full. All this responsibility, this role I’m in.. what an opportunity for my career. The fact that it is very stressful is a circumstance I’m making up in my head?
Imaginary or not, it takes a toll and rather than dismissing its existence, I’d rather figure out ways to work through it.
Why cant you be more like Vancity Allie?
Seriously dude? Do you call up CTV and tell them they should be more like the CBC?
Sorry, that was totally sarcastic.
I do think CTV should be more like CBC, but that is irrelevant.
I am in a similar boat – a recent promotion and an inability to delegate has left me figuratively paralyzed by my ever-growing list of tasks and worries. And I wonder, when will it ever get better?
PS – I’m addicted to the uber-trash that is Jersey Shore.